That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
