I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
