I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Success! We fucked roommates!
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