Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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