Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
