What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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