I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
this must be what syphilis tastes like
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
