I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
