I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
