I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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