Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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