What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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