I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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