my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
