I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The best revenge is premature balding
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
