Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The uberlube is also flammable
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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