You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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