I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
