fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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