No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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