I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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