btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
