All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
