I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We had to coat check the pizza.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
