He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I AM VODKA MAN
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
