honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
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We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
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I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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