There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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