Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
are you so shy because you have an std?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
