never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
