Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
