I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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