Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
