I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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