look no pants
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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