we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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