bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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