Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
