he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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