someone threw a dead crab at me
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
