How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i just had sex bonerless
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
