my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
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He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
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But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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