the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
