Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
