i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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