Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
