Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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