Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
