Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
