You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
