i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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