arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
