All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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