We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
