What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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