I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
