I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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