im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
