I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
